"Shhhhhh," I tell them.

"I gotta tell you guys something."
They all lean in.

We were at Dim Sum practice, told them how I had to go,and get ready, head to hospital, how my sister whispered to me about the doctor saying she'd die soon, in a week or two, how my mom told me it was nothing, not wanting me to find out, my dad asking me about AP exams and when they were, and us getting there and me getting out and placing my hand on my dad's shoulder, telling him "you know I love you, right ba?" "yeah" us walking through the door, me noticing the diamond shapes in the linoleum, "oh I guess they're not only white after all" they were a mix of orange, blue, and white. We took the elevator to the second floor and step out and see Co Thuy, Uncle Don, some lady, my cousin Linda. Chu Nam comes later and the adults talk and they're concerned. My Grandma bleeding out the mouth, morphine, low blood pressure, off the meds, damn. Everyone's concerned. Again, damn. Chu Tai comes out, I go in. Room 2012, Crictical Unit. Shit. She's there alright, and I talk to her, not sure if she can hear me, her fingers are cold, her heart rates down, I'm nervous, my own heart hurts. Linda comes in, we both stare at my grandma, me on one side, her on the other. We stand there and watch and talk a bit but mostly watch and I'm sad but I don't cry. Uncle John's with us, he tells us about the nurse and the situation and everything. I cringe a lot, tapping my shoes against the floor, looking around, not sure how to react to anything, everything. Something. A nurse comes in, says excuse me, walks over to her left shoulder, peels back the fabric, sticks in a needle quick and done. Disposed. She talks to my uncle as she moves over to Ba Noi's stomach and attaches something to the tube connected to her stomach. She pulls back, sucking fluids out of her belly, and calls my uncle to look at the blood clots that were coming out. She's bleeding in her stomach. I look away, and so does Linda. I leave later, meet back with the family, more people showed up, getting crowded. I sit down, but after awhile tears start streaming out and I turn my head away, my dad's hand makes contact with my head. He's standing above me asking me about my grandma but I couldn't answer, grab my sister, head downstairs, cafeteria. Fries. One dollar, my sister gets some ice cream, right before we head to the cash register, plop. Ice cream, face down, on the floor. Clean up, "sorry." "It's alright," says the cashier. Rings me up, one dollar. Ketchup, sit down, eat. She asks me questions, I give her blunt answers. She goes and gets water, and brings back three straws. She pulls one out of its casing and takes it, swings it around into a knot and pulls. It comes free, no knots. "I did Ba Noi." I grab mines, thinking, what if I do Ba Noi, but it doesn't work. I pull apart the top and slid out the straw. I grab the paper casing, knot it up, and pull. No knots. Clean. Two, clean, and no knots. She's definitely thinking of us. "You think she is?" "yeah."

I think she is.

It's easy to forget about the

most important things in your life when there are so many less important things floating around. It's easy to forget who you love, and who loves you, and the turkey sandwich you ate for lunch, when life's filled with ap exams and sat subject tests, cheyahh. You know? I'm glad life's busy at times but then again I feel like things are moving too quick and I hope that I'm not growing up too fast. I'm afraid of looking back, a year from now, going, what the fuck? You know? sigh. I always tell everyone to lighten up and be happy, do your thing, do what you gotta do, go. Do it. Now. Where does that leave me? I mean I'm happy as fuck but, shit what the fuck am I saying. I'm happy, fuck it haha.

PEACE! =]



oh and I love YOU by the way! <3

"Ba Noi, Ba Noi tuc ya dee.

Ti dam Ba Noi dee anh pho. Ba Noi, Ba Noi tuc ya dee."
I hold her hand in mines, gripping tightly, but not too tight to cause her pain. Everything was as if it were a painting. Her wily white hair, her soft, smooshy hands, her open mouth and raspy breathing, her heart rate changing constantly in flow with her chest's up and down movements, the machines, the iv cords and tubes, all the electronic whirring and tubes plugged to random places, and nurses talking and people conversing and sterile utensils and white linoleum floors and random jerky foot movements, intercom calls and salmon colored walls, and your uncle speaking in Vietnamese: everything you'd expect to see when you visit your post-stroke 78 year old grandmother in the hospital. What you don't expect to see is your father crying. My father, crying, staring up at the ceiling, blinking back his tears. Getting up from his chair to walk away and wipe his eyes. Moving his glasses from his face and replacing them with his arms. My father, crying.
Why didn't I cry?

Never thought I'd fall in

love, love, love, looove...



Baby, you're all I ever wanted and I'm glad I have you in my life right now. I'm super glad. Forreals. I hope you have a great day today and I want you to know that I love you lots and miss you bunches.




Love you=]