I never want to let go.

I did a funny thing today. As I was scrolling through my text messages, I clicked an icon on my touch screen with someone talking or something and the text message was read aloud in a robotic voice. I figured I'd let it read out your text messages to me. It was pretty trippy. I listened to it playback all the text messages I saved from you. ={
it's not as good as having you there, but I dunno. Having my phone read aloud your text messages was very soothing.

Why do I still google your name

it's funny, but sad like bittersweet rain.
google took me to a tumblr of another Vivien with a E in her name
Yes with an e, instead of the a, who lives in Germany
Dusseldorf to be exact, she's a model I think, but honestly
You were my model. I miss you so much I can't swallow
these words must come out so I don't bottle them, hollow, empty promises
tying them down, lying around, not sure of what to do but contemplate suicide
crying sounds, lame ass excuses to not hang out
avoiding all social concepts, me just lost in my own project
ideas forming in my mind, get lost. I still find you on the web, fuck.
ADHD allows me to think about you, then think about you, and then daydream while thinking about you. IT's FUCKED UP.

Silly rabbit..

love is for fools. I sit in in my own pool
sadness dripping all over me, feet cold and pruning
the phrase "it's over" lingers, my heart turns and nosedives
because when you jump into a pool of love, you go heart-first
first verse, first time i saw you I loved
everything you stood for, you and all your homey decor
decked out in nothing more than some simple bath robe
but i still checked you out, first night make out, you were my
vietnamese take out, always down to do anything
girl so sick with it i shouldnt've said anything
words come out and they stick like glue
words hurt others and i dont have a goddamn clue
merged together, into one giant ass blue
cause girl you're colors all I got left now,
and I'm feeling them blues, blues.

I had an interview today

with OutclickMedia. Some internet, marketing, thing...not really sure. It was an internship possibility. Actually, my interview's not til another 30 minutes. And I don't think I'm going. I woke up late. Haven't showered, haven't dressed. Haven't called up my brother to take me. Fuck it. I can't even focus on my shit to be honest. You're like pepper spray in my eyes, I can't see clearly. All I see is you. My head's done working. It doesn't want to do anything except think about you all day. I guess a part of me just doesn't want it to end. sigh...I want to do everything with you. I want to sing with you. Joke with you, play with you, hang out with you, do everything with you. =[. I want to show you the cool side of Duy. I want to be that chill guy, the cool guy. I want to be the guy you love, the guy you're attracted to. =[ I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry I hurt you so badly.

I performed in front of the Uncultivated Rabbits today.

They're that spoken poetry group on campus I think I told you about. I didn't have time to prepare a piece cause my mind was so scattered but I made it in time and printed out two or three blogs I wrote, I think most of them or all of them were about you. I performed this one:


i stay up late, past 5 in the morning.
I guess it's not late anymore but my roommate's snoring
is still provocative in its own ways.
soothing, reminding me of something I should be doing
sleeping,
but I'm wide-awake.
why is it that I'm willing to wander the nights aimlessly missing you, to call out your name silently to myself, to clamp my heart and lean against the paper towel dispenser of my bathroom thinking of you and feeling the rush of excitement and desire run through my veins. I tremble.
But when I have you on webcam, the telephone, when you're in my very arms, when we're side by side or by and by I never say hi and ask you why or the time and if I may recline and talk to you for once. why is it that i wait til you're gone to express my feelings to you. I am a forgotten story. I am the lost soldier, the MIA, the person who never came back. the lone wolf. I AWOL everytime. whywhywhywhwywhy.

Am I that avoidant? do I hate confrontations that much? am i that afraid to show value or to give value to a girl. I'm not happy when you're here, yet I'm sad when you're gone. I act sincere and interested but I'm really distant and indifferent. I love you a lot and I think I'm alone.

It's as if I wait until the rejection, the possible shut downs, and fear of socializing and offering value reside that I am able to miss her and want to talk to her. Why can't I want to talk to her when I am talking to her.

I'm sorry I'm so fucked up and i hope you don't see this. i love you so much that i can't really see through this.


I adlibbed most parts. All the raps, all the things I've been thinking about lately, writing about, its pretty much about you...These emotions are suffocating, sometimes I can't breathe. I just can't stand the thought of not having you.

im sorry, i dont know if i made a mistake, its so hard doing the right thing when you don't know what that right thing is...

=[

Nothing's ever that simple...

you try to live life stress free but stress pulls you down and keeps you under constant pressure. "Change, act, be conscious, now..now.now..." Now is all we have, but I still choose to dawdle and waste my precious time fucking around not doing shit. Not spending it wisely with my girlfriend, my brother, fuckin' anyone.

Meet Stress, the Mood-Killer, Life-Stealer

Baby I'm sorry I make you think I'm bi-polar. I'm not sure, maybe I am, but I haven't looked into it. Say what you must, I take no pity. The past few weeks have been stressful. Besides my inability to chill out and just relax, I have an irrational disproportional and merciless toleration towards you being a total lag-machine. Even the words I'm using are cruel and mean, and honest to god - just for effect, 'cause I'm an atheist - downright dirty. I swear it's not who I am. The truth is that I'm bad dude. I'm so bad. I'm so bad at balancing my time. I feel so constrained when I'm back home, it sucks man. It sucks so bad. I feel trapped, persecuted left and right. Constant inner conflicts, I just can't do it. For the sake of it, I just can't. I trip balls over little shit, yeah. I get it plenty. The fucking fact of the matter is that when I'm back in San Jose, I'm happy. When I'm down in Irvine I realize where my true home is. It's here. I love it here. The environment. No not the trees, evergreen's cool and all, in a natural sense. In the social sense is where I'm hitting to; that is where the home is for me. I love my friends back here. I love my parents. I FUCKING love you. I miss you guys like crazy, and when I'm back here I'm fucked in the ass, I'm sure its a common problem but I don't ask. None of my friends are interested in visiting their parents 'cept Ak, but I feel him cause he lives down south and his parents are far away - his dad's in Taiwan for pete's sakes. I feel the dilemma, and hate in to its full extreme. I fucked up a lot in the past with my family. My parents are old, I need to tend to them, talk to them, socialize with them, but I'm not. I'm not doing a good enough job. I feel I am you see, then I feel good that the time I'm spending with Vivian is so well deserved. It should be felt at 100%. Dude this girl is amazing. Love her so much I'm mad, raving bout her bo-dy, craving that sweet bo-dy

I miss you...=(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSBc7UPGInI

I watched that and HELLA missed you...=[...I cried lol, fuck me...I called you but you didn't pick up. I miss those nights when I would just call you late at night, no matter what time, and we would talk. It was so cute. I loved spending time with you today. Thanks for buying me cheese and ice cream =] You're like the fucking best girlfriend in the whole universe. I loved going running with you, you looked so fucking cute in a t-shirt, my shorts, and my mom's reeboks haha..so fucking cute...I'm sorry if I give you a weird look sometimes, I'm working on it. It's not me, so please don't blame me. It's something else that I can't get a hold of yet, just inner shit perhaps, or subconscious shit, but I am trying to understand it more. It's probably just my judgmental frame of mind sometimes; can be a real douche, my mind. Anyways, I love you a lot dude. FUCKING love you. I envy you so much. I love how you're able to enjoy the littlest things, its fucking amazing. Like when you laugh out loud and like hit things like your knee when something's funny. Its so genuine, and infectious. I dunno how you do it. You're just so cute dude, so many things I can recall. That time we got high and you were acting hella weird lol. "hey there sonny..." being a granny. Fucking adorable...Or earlier when you were imitating me, man I suck at imitating you haha. I used to be better, I dunno what happened. I want to get to know you more and more and moree =] I love it, I can't get enough! Fuck dude, I just, man I wish my memory is better, I need to look into memory improvement stuff. It's definitely something that can be improved on, just gotta read into it more. I love you so much baby, I never want you to feel insecure or unloved. I'm sorry if I'm still not getting everything right, but just know that I'm trying. I love you a lot, and I love how you know me so well. You can call me out pretty fucking good I have to say, it's fucking hella attractive...fucking hot. lol. You hella make me nervous and stuff sometimes, like you leave me dumbfounded or tongue-twisted haha. I fucking love you dude. I have so much to learn from you. Seriously, you've taught me so much homie, I really appreciate it. I just want to spend more time with you to marinate in your chillness, because you're pretty fucking chill dude. Hella easy-going, compliant, thankful for what you have, never bitter. Fucking dope dude, I love you so much <3<3

p.s. i was trying to leave you a voicemail but i was crying and i was talking pretty weak and then the automated whatever was like "I'm sorry, we didnt get your voicemail...blahblahblah" and i was liek FUCK..hahaha, cause i was pouring some of my haert out and stuff, then i just hung up becasue i got shy. I thought I'd just write it on here instead =P i love you baby!

LOVELOVELOVELOLVOELOVELOVEVIVIANLU...

LOVE,
DUY =]

Crazy Story

Crazy story:
Age is a restriction in itself, people saying that you’re too young, you can’t possibly understand what you understand, you can’t comprehend what you comprehend, you can’t even fathom, what you THINK you fathom about ANYTHING. You’re just not OLD enough.

Well EXCUSE ME…I’m sorry but in my nineteen years of existence I’ve seen the plague of ignorance stricken those even four times my age. Life is but a mystery, and to solve it one must discover, learn, and reach out for knowledge. The growing pains of our society, our human society as a whole, are due to the fact that people still cling to age-old methodology and stupid-thinking. Life isn’t black and white folks; just because you’re nineteen doesn’t mean you don’t know shit, you might even know more than someone who’s older than you, it all depends on each person’s own experiences and life lessons thus far. If I was thirty five years old but still clung to the arms of my egoistical self, I would probably not be enlightened as say a twenty four year old who figured it out sooner, earlier. It just happens so that he/she did, age regardless. Life is not black and white; again, life is not this or that. It’s this, that, and a little bit of this, that, and some more of that, mixed with this.

Anyways, earlier I was lit like a kite with Brandon outside. We were a few blocks upwards into my neighborhood, me sitting cross-legged on the grass while he was on the sidewalk, both of us underneath the shade. It was hot. We didn’t have any flowers, but luckily I had Andrew’s broken piece and the resin within that piece. I scraped resin out with a pair of scissors and mixed it with my container of kief. We smoked out of his bong and were pretty lit. In my hand I held a piece of paper with ten different auto mechanics in the area; I was calling to schedule a used auto inspection for the Mazda 6 I was interested in purchasing. As I sat there, I had a crazy idea. What if, there was a guy – could be autobiographical, but probably just relative in the same – who was socially awkward, okay? I mean this guy was the epitome, I’m saying he’s the quintessential example of a guy who didn’t know jack shit about social-shit, social-anything. He just didn’t have it. He was weird, strange, turned people off all the time because of what he said, he wasn’t aware of his actions or the things he said. Very aloof, very different, very lost and confused. Now, this guy, okay? He sucks so bad, possibly he had a childhood event, maybe he was brought up to not socialize, maybe having friends was frowned upon, not sure, anyways, what’s amazing about him is his drive. I mean, this guy’s determination was just spot-on. He never gave up. He knew he was incapable of getting girls, but his depression, his anxiety and everything made him want it even more. He wanted change; he wanted to be likeable, to be a guy girls wanted to bang. So he sets off on a journey see, his own personal odyssey to just social enlightenment, to find his soul, his lost self. At first you know, he sucks at talking to people, so he decides to use a phonebook. (He even has trouble interacting with people at stores and restaurants, ordering fast food anxiety, everything. Just public interactions were out of the question. ) So he gets this phonebook and starts calling random people. I mean, he’d like take down the numbers of ten different mechanics and call them up, asking for a routine check up or a used car inspection and never show up. He would only call to chat them up, have a fake car, whatever, and just use it as an excuse to socialize, to talk on the phone, to talk. Period. Now, overtime you see how he tries different approaches, he learns its how he says things that affect how a person reacts to him. So he changes up his approaches, the way he asks things, the way he talks. He tries everything, trial and error. He fucks up? He learns. Now, as this goes along, you see him changing. He gets friends soon enough, starts having them, fucks up though. Turns away guys. He sees guys, cool guys who are good with game, tries to befriend them, but his neediness and desperation just turn those guys away. I mean he could open well, but sustaining a conversation for a long period of time was just out of his reach. But he pushes at it. We see him get a girl naked and he fails to fuck her. We see him getting slapped by girls and like being turned down again and again, being laughed at. We see him have anxiety attacks in front of people. We see him being the shit, the life of the party, and we connect with him, we root for him. But then we see him lose state, fall out of grace, and land on his face. He hits this point, and then falls back, regresses. This inconsistency with himself, his personality and shit, his confidence, fucks with him. His issues become crazy, uncontrollable, but he fights it. Later on, we see him winning more, becoming a bigger pimp, closing, getting girls. Later at the end of the story, he’s just a straight pimp. And you feel for this guy. The entire movie – yeah it’s a movie idea – is just him, being badass. More importantly it’s the movie of a man, the absolute perfect example of a failed “man” who rises to greatness, who achieves his goals. He is able to communicate effectively and become a badass guy through many trials and obstacles. I want the audience to feel this guy, his pain, his loneliness, his despair, and his excitement at his progress, his life lessons, his everything. I want the cinematography to utilize many social ideas, many have a lot of emotional shots, I want the audience to feel him completely, understand his thoughts. I want us to be right there with him. I want it to teach – the movie I mean. I want this film to be able to teach a social lesson, as well as to have as a reference to one’s own journey to enlightenment and finding peace within oneself.

You're beautiful

just the way you are.
I wouldn't change a single thing, not a string of hair, not a tiny scar.
you're beautiful, so why should I?
my love for you has its own eyes,
it sees within you everything that it could ever ask for
so why ask for more?
you're beautiful, even when I don't say it,
and no this is not just an excuse to explain why I don't
but more as a means to explain why I can't.
You're just too beautiful for me to put into words, the word beautiful itself has lost its own touch.
It's meaning, meaningless; its flavor, too much seasoning.
I'm dreaming, sleepless, thinking of you, I need reasoning.
I need to understand your beautiful-ality, haha, cause how am I supposed to understand or comprehend you in words?
I'd rather just do a verb, and show you.
<3