mom's idea today: make a rateyourparents website...might be cool...

focus on children's point of view, blah blah, could also delve into family life...
how to help kids better, or how to educate parents on effective parenting

interesting...


victor's idea on maid service..hmm

i didnt know that it would take this long to get over you. Fuckkkkkk.

I feel like shooting myself in the face every time I think of you, I'm trying hard to block the thoughts of you from my head, but my mind won't quit.

I wasn't well equipped for this.

I need to find some bliss, maybe from a stranger's kiss. Nah...that's just ignorance.

Trying to forget you through the accompaniment of other females, fuck that..

I seem almost homosexual in my distaste of other girls, only attempting to talk to them to fill a void I once had.

Fuck every girl who tries to talk to me, fuck every girl who looks at me, fuck every girl that's not you. Fuck em.

helps concentration

http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/9-reasons-why-cant-concentrate-185200449.html

I wanna have Adventure Time with you =[

http://www.putlocker.com/file/87FDF0AEB0B38E10#


this made me think of you so badly....=[ fuckk....lkajfllaekjf;lea

freestyle..freestyle, freestyle...freestyleee..

freestyle. (like x6)

kiss the rain, Yiruma leaves a stain
on my brain, can't concentrate, you're on my brain
I kissed the rain, a thousand times,
wish I could retain your moisture
no more love holster, my heart couldn't muster
the strength. It couldn't handle the pain, the pain I caused you
the pain because of you
the pain because of me
I kiss the rain, and think of you
clouds, water droplets, liquid touch, your overflowing love
loud, bother with bits, lit a torch, for burning love
love was a candle, lit up in an inferno, now its dwindling, barely lit
love wasn't handled with care
our relationship has sank.
procure some words to write it bare
tell her that you truly care.
Every Yiruma song, every piano melody, every love song
breathes pain into my lungs, can't breathe.
i need my breather, i got love fever

http://health.yahoo.net/articles/fitness/how-to-get-six-pack-abs

http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/healthy-living/201111/most-overrated-gym-machine

I scroll down my facebook list searching for your name even though i know you're not on..=[

Life

Health:

Drink plenty of water.
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
Play more games.
Read more books than you did in 2010.
Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
Sleep for 7 hours.
Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
Dream more while you are awake.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Smile and laugh more.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

Call your family often.
Each day give something good to others.
Forgive everyone for everything.
Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
Try to make at least three people smile each day.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

Do the right thing!
Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
The best is yet to come.
Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

i cant get her out of my head, the more i try, the harder it is. I just wish we had some better closure. What the fuck does that even mean? Fuck. Fuck it, fuck it all.

:,(

I love you so much...

look up, the sky's gray

shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you, shes over you, she's over you,

breaking bad, walt whitman,
im freaking sad,

i cant breathe when we're facebook chatting, my eyes are glossed over, im crying
heart heavy, feels like i cant get out of it.

my back aches, i dont know how much i can do this for.
my hearts too heavey, feelings fall to the floor
bottom low, but strong as ever, why's the end of the road always seem forever?
and yet i hate the word never, because that's all of eternity.
i dont want to sever our ties, i cant look at other girls in the eyes
it hurts for me to realize, that it is over. its over.
say it once, say it twice
over, over, over, never once does it seem like its over
im not over being over you.
shit.
i barely started, and if you think im a jerk, fuck. i dont even know what you think of me.
im as shitty as i can be without you. time to gather my shit together after its fallen to pieces, like im playing 52 pick up by myself, but id drive a 52' pick up just to see in good health, face smiling bright shine
all i want is to know that you're doing quite fine.
but im afraid to say a word, afraid to butt in and disturb
you're too beautiful for words....

why am i writing these..fuck.
=\

life's a bitch, and then you die
love's a bitch, and then she leaves.
life's a beach, so lets get high
love's a roller-coaster, it'll make you heave.


life, can I figure you out. Write so much I think I'm blacking out.
I told myself never to back out. Fact's out.

the truth spilled, all over the floor of deceit
our canvas has a hole, picture's with no frame,
scriptures with no soul. words with no meaning
written in black ink, bitten by lack of think-
ing, feeling, incriminating yourself
watch the swallow, the fall of the common man
that wallows in his own pitiful soul, his own pit of himself
stress is bad for his health, but unless he's felt
the inner-self, his soul will lack the wealth
of knowledge to better deal with what's dealt.


I need help.



ask yourself, stupid.



I'm with stupid...

my face crumbles, it caves inwards. I can't breathe. My eyes are strained. I can't think straight. I'm lost. I'm all alone. There's everyone and then there's no one. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm depressed...I'm not. I am.

I STILL FUCKING MISS YOU =[...............

i love you phillip morris..=[





i love you vivian lu =[=[

Your style’s out, mines coming in
Threw your shit into the trash bin
Forget what church taught you about sin
Creatures with fake lego features
With scaly fins
Coming up to haunt you, you cant win
Teleporting, resorting, to notions, or baby abortions
Clinics with picnics for scenic views
Because they pay per view
The three’s company marathon
No not pokemon
That shits so expensive it cost you
An ear and an arm
But you can’t hear without harm
Because you lost are your feeling



2)Single life (using the S-sound, S alliteration)
Single Singletons simpletons simpsons shrimsp sandwiches simple sentences with soupplanantatoins,
Simple minds exist to be fucked with im disgusted you fucked with like a puppet
No strings attached doesn’t mean im taklinga bout sex when you’re up there trying your best
To impress
You overdress
Looking ilke a pair of breasts
With oversized silicone fits
Inside a push up bra
Because you’re insecurities are at war
Brawl
And crawl and the floor as you try to com-PAR yourself to a chick at the bar
Looking sad, looking afar, with a bad hook
I cant cook, not a gook, not making asian, we having Italian
Confused by the pilings of
Tone deaf,

Like nestle tea, I rep a v
Neck on the line cuz I bust crazy raps all the time
Yes im a mime, but making boxes aren’t my shrine
I just do it in my time, glass boxing, hot boxing, but
Using chrome not mozilaa foxing
Call me the shit
(the shit)
Cool.
Llike two lovers, speedating for cover, under an elevators bumpber sticker im
Hurting her
Licking picures of fixed ioxtures of her facial structure on my accupucnture
I funcition only to live in exhaustion
Wasting my time while masturbating
The current rhymes are liberating
Im just debating
Currently Raymond
But not loved by everybody
Im like a rubix cube you could never solved
Broken and all the pieces long and gone
I solve myself and write my pains into songs
Picturing girls in thongs
You fucking them tilt hey hit bells
Like ding dong
Whos there?
Me fucking your bitch, that’s who
Coming out quick yes fool
I like to make them bitches drool
Stacked up top high cop fight bpie loose Jackie chan frying pan with a macho man eating peed on sand
Cant focus on adderoll all you beggars gonna ball up the streat without a feat or look or sway of that their feet, we live life in a crumepd in seat, we reach out to the constant beat, the lively meets, the frineley sweet hellos and swing bellows of joy for those to hear and those to crow too proud to flow or lost and whole again and all
I see shit in HD, see my AD on HD, I got ADHD
I just spelled it out like this
Cuz you couldn’t follow me
Im the bunny with the clock you alice with a cock
Ima run right down the rabbit hole
You just fingering the outside world
Barely clinging to a concept of self worth
Fairly singing to a concert of broken hearts

i cried while watching Breaking Bad...its this show about a 50 year old guy who turns to selling meth to make money so he can pay for his cancer therapy. Its pretty bad ass, but what's more crazy is like the tension between characters, his son, his wife, etc. I just started crying..I was thinking about us not being able to just watch movies together or anime or tv shows. Just be chill, just do shit you know? Fuck....I love you..=\ fuck..

im sorry, i dont know why I say those things. Please dont take it seriously, forreals. I was just trying to be open with you. I'm fine honestly, I just do still want to be with you very very much. But I understand why we're not together. I'm just really conflicted, I love you so much baby. =[

You're my baby forever..

sadness is all i know

I cling to the hand of sadness, like a child to a father. He takes me everywhere. He takes me to the bathroom to pee, and to the laundry room. We make food together. Heck, we even go to classes together. And he never lets me hang out with my friends unless he's around to make sure that I'm sad.

I never want to let go.

I did a funny thing today. As I was scrolling through my text messages, I clicked an icon on my touch screen with someone talking or something and the text message was read aloud in a robotic voice. I figured I'd let it read out your text messages to me. It was pretty trippy. I listened to it playback all the text messages I saved from you. ={
it's not as good as having you there, but I dunno. Having my phone read aloud your text messages was very soothing.

Why do I still google your name

it's funny, but sad like bittersweet rain.
google took me to a tumblr of another Vivien with a E in her name
Yes with an e, instead of the a, who lives in Germany
Dusseldorf to be exact, she's a model I think, but honestly
You were my model. I miss you so much I can't swallow
these words must come out so I don't bottle them, hollow, empty promises
tying them down, lying around, not sure of what to do but contemplate suicide
crying sounds, lame ass excuses to not hang out
avoiding all social concepts, me just lost in my own project
ideas forming in my mind, get lost. I still find you on the web, fuck.
ADHD allows me to think about you, then think about you, and then daydream while thinking about you. IT's FUCKED UP.

Silly rabbit..

love is for fools. I sit in in my own pool
sadness dripping all over me, feet cold and pruning
the phrase "it's over" lingers, my heart turns and nosedives
because when you jump into a pool of love, you go heart-first
first verse, first time i saw you I loved
everything you stood for, you and all your homey decor
decked out in nothing more than some simple bath robe
but i still checked you out, first night make out, you were my
vietnamese take out, always down to do anything
girl so sick with it i shouldnt've said anything
words come out and they stick like glue
words hurt others and i dont have a goddamn clue
merged together, into one giant ass blue
cause girl you're colors all I got left now,
and I'm feeling them blues, blues.

I had an interview today

with OutclickMedia. Some internet, marketing, thing...not really sure. It was an internship possibility. Actually, my interview's not til another 30 minutes. And I don't think I'm going. I woke up late. Haven't showered, haven't dressed. Haven't called up my brother to take me. Fuck it. I can't even focus on my shit to be honest. You're like pepper spray in my eyes, I can't see clearly. All I see is you. My head's done working. It doesn't want to do anything except think about you all day. I guess a part of me just doesn't want it to end. sigh...I want to do everything with you. I want to sing with you. Joke with you, play with you, hang out with you, do everything with you. =[. I want to show you the cool side of Duy. I want to be that chill guy, the cool guy. I want to be the guy you love, the guy you're attracted to. =[ I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry I hurt you so badly.

I performed in front of the Uncultivated Rabbits today.

They're that spoken poetry group on campus I think I told you about. I didn't have time to prepare a piece cause my mind was so scattered but I made it in time and printed out two or three blogs I wrote, I think most of them or all of them were about you. I performed this one:


i stay up late, past 5 in the morning.
I guess it's not late anymore but my roommate's snoring
is still provocative in its own ways.
soothing, reminding me of something I should be doing
sleeping,
but I'm wide-awake.
why is it that I'm willing to wander the nights aimlessly missing you, to call out your name silently to myself, to clamp my heart and lean against the paper towel dispenser of my bathroom thinking of you and feeling the rush of excitement and desire run through my veins. I tremble.
But when I have you on webcam, the telephone, when you're in my very arms, when we're side by side or by and by I never say hi and ask you why or the time and if I may recline and talk to you for once. why is it that i wait til you're gone to express my feelings to you. I am a forgotten story. I am the lost soldier, the MIA, the person who never came back. the lone wolf. I AWOL everytime. whywhywhywhwywhy.

Am I that avoidant? do I hate confrontations that much? am i that afraid to show value or to give value to a girl. I'm not happy when you're here, yet I'm sad when you're gone. I act sincere and interested but I'm really distant and indifferent. I love you a lot and I think I'm alone.

It's as if I wait until the rejection, the possible shut downs, and fear of socializing and offering value reside that I am able to miss her and want to talk to her. Why can't I want to talk to her when I am talking to her.

I'm sorry I'm so fucked up and i hope you don't see this. i love you so much that i can't really see through this.


I adlibbed most parts. All the raps, all the things I've been thinking about lately, writing about, its pretty much about you...These emotions are suffocating, sometimes I can't breathe. I just can't stand the thought of not having you.

im sorry, i dont know if i made a mistake, its so hard doing the right thing when you don't know what that right thing is...

=[

Nothing's ever that simple...

you try to live life stress free but stress pulls you down and keeps you under constant pressure. "Change, act, be conscious, now..now.now..." Now is all we have, but I still choose to dawdle and waste my precious time fucking around not doing shit. Not spending it wisely with my girlfriend, my brother, fuckin' anyone.

Meet Stress, the Mood-Killer, Life-Stealer

Baby I'm sorry I make you think I'm bi-polar. I'm not sure, maybe I am, but I haven't looked into it. Say what you must, I take no pity. The past few weeks have been stressful. Besides my inability to chill out and just relax, I have an irrational disproportional and merciless toleration towards you being a total lag-machine. Even the words I'm using are cruel and mean, and honest to god - just for effect, 'cause I'm an atheist - downright dirty. I swear it's not who I am. The truth is that I'm bad dude. I'm so bad. I'm so bad at balancing my time. I feel so constrained when I'm back home, it sucks man. It sucks so bad. I feel trapped, persecuted left and right. Constant inner conflicts, I just can't do it. For the sake of it, I just can't. I trip balls over little shit, yeah. I get it plenty. The fucking fact of the matter is that when I'm back in San Jose, I'm happy. When I'm down in Irvine I realize where my true home is. It's here. I love it here. The environment. No not the trees, evergreen's cool and all, in a natural sense. In the social sense is where I'm hitting to; that is where the home is for me. I love my friends back here. I love my parents. I FUCKING love you. I miss you guys like crazy, and when I'm back here I'm fucked in the ass, I'm sure its a common problem but I don't ask. None of my friends are interested in visiting their parents 'cept Ak, but I feel him cause he lives down south and his parents are far away - his dad's in Taiwan for pete's sakes. I feel the dilemma, and hate in to its full extreme. I fucked up a lot in the past with my family. My parents are old, I need to tend to them, talk to them, socialize with them, but I'm not. I'm not doing a good enough job. I feel I am you see, then I feel good that the time I'm spending with Vivian is so well deserved. It should be felt at 100%. Dude this girl is amazing. Love her so much I'm mad, raving bout her bo-dy, craving that sweet bo-dy

I miss you...=(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSBc7UPGInI

I watched that and HELLA missed you...=[...I cried lol, fuck me...I called you but you didn't pick up. I miss those nights when I would just call you late at night, no matter what time, and we would talk. It was so cute. I loved spending time with you today. Thanks for buying me cheese and ice cream =] You're like the fucking best girlfriend in the whole universe. I loved going running with you, you looked so fucking cute in a t-shirt, my shorts, and my mom's reeboks haha..so fucking cute...I'm sorry if I give you a weird look sometimes, I'm working on it. It's not me, so please don't blame me. It's something else that I can't get a hold of yet, just inner shit perhaps, or subconscious shit, but I am trying to understand it more. It's probably just my judgmental frame of mind sometimes; can be a real douche, my mind. Anyways, I love you a lot dude. FUCKING love you. I envy you so much. I love how you're able to enjoy the littlest things, its fucking amazing. Like when you laugh out loud and like hit things like your knee when something's funny. Its so genuine, and infectious. I dunno how you do it. You're just so cute dude, so many things I can recall. That time we got high and you were acting hella weird lol. "hey there sonny..." being a granny. Fucking adorable...Or earlier when you were imitating me, man I suck at imitating you haha. I used to be better, I dunno what happened. I want to get to know you more and more and moree =] I love it, I can't get enough! Fuck dude, I just, man I wish my memory is better, I need to look into memory improvement stuff. It's definitely something that can be improved on, just gotta read into it more. I love you so much baby, I never want you to feel insecure or unloved. I'm sorry if I'm still not getting everything right, but just know that I'm trying. I love you a lot, and I love how you know me so well. You can call me out pretty fucking good I have to say, it's fucking hella attractive...fucking hot. lol. You hella make me nervous and stuff sometimes, like you leave me dumbfounded or tongue-twisted haha. I fucking love you dude. I have so much to learn from you. Seriously, you've taught me so much homie, I really appreciate it. I just want to spend more time with you to marinate in your chillness, because you're pretty fucking chill dude. Hella easy-going, compliant, thankful for what you have, never bitter. Fucking dope dude, I love you so much <3<3

p.s. i was trying to leave you a voicemail but i was crying and i was talking pretty weak and then the automated whatever was like "I'm sorry, we didnt get your voicemail...blahblahblah" and i was liek FUCK..hahaha, cause i was pouring some of my haert out and stuff, then i just hung up becasue i got shy. I thought I'd just write it on here instead =P i love you baby!

LOVELOVELOVELOLVOELOVELOVEVIVIANLU...

LOVE,
DUY =]

Crazy Story

Crazy story:
Age is a restriction in itself, people saying that you’re too young, you can’t possibly understand what you understand, you can’t comprehend what you comprehend, you can’t even fathom, what you THINK you fathom about ANYTHING. You’re just not OLD enough.

Well EXCUSE ME…I’m sorry but in my nineteen years of existence I’ve seen the plague of ignorance stricken those even four times my age. Life is but a mystery, and to solve it one must discover, learn, and reach out for knowledge. The growing pains of our society, our human society as a whole, are due to the fact that people still cling to age-old methodology and stupid-thinking. Life isn’t black and white folks; just because you’re nineteen doesn’t mean you don’t know shit, you might even know more than someone who’s older than you, it all depends on each person’s own experiences and life lessons thus far. If I was thirty five years old but still clung to the arms of my egoistical self, I would probably not be enlightened as say a twenty four year old who figured it out sooner, earlier. It just happens so that he/she did, age regardless. Life is not black and white; again, life is not this or that. It’s this, that, and a little bit of this, that, and some more of that, mixed with this.

Anyways, earlier I was lit like a kite with Brandon outside. We were a few blocks upwards into my neighborhood, me sitting cross-legged on the grass while he was on the sidewalk, both of us underneath the shade. It was hot. We didn’t have any flowers, but luckily I had Andrew’s broken piece and the resin within that piece. I scraped resin out with a pair of scissors and mixed it with my container of kief. We smoked out of his bong and were pretty lit. In my hand I held a piece of paper with ten different auto mechanics in the area; I was calling to schedule a used auto inspection for the Mazda 6 I was interested in purchasing. As I sat there, I had a crazy idea. What if, there was a guy – could be autobiographical, but probably just relative in the same – who was socially awkward, okay? I mean this guy was the epitome, I’m saying he’s the quintessential example of a guy who didn’t know jack shit about social-shit, social-anything. He just didn’t have it. He was weird, strange, turned people off all the time because of what he said, he wasn’t aware of his actions or the things he said. Very aloof, very different, very lost and confused. Now, this guy, okay? He sucks so bad, possibly he had a childhood event, maybe he was brought up to not socialize, maybe having friends was frowned upon, not sure, anyways, what’s amazing about him is his drive. I mean, this guy’s determination was just spot-on. He never gave up. He knew he was incapable of getting girls, but his depression, his anxiety and everything made him want it even more. He wanted change; he wanted to be likeable, to be a guy girls wanted to bang. So he sets off on a journey see, his own personal odyssey to just social enlightenment, to find his soul, his lost self. At first you know, he sucks at talking to people, so he decides to use a phonebook. (He even has trouble interacting with people at stores and restaurants, ordering fast food anxiety, everything. Just public interactions were out of the question. ) So he gets this phonebook and starts calling random people. I mean, he’d like take down the numbers of ten different mechanics and call them up, asking for a routine check up or a used car inspection and never show up. He would only call to chat them up, have a fake car, whatever, and just use it as an excuse to socialize, to talk on the phone, to talk. Period. Now, overtime you see how he tries different approaches, he learns its how he says things that affect how a person reacts to him. So he changes up his approaches, the way he asks things, the way he talks. He tries everything, trial and error. He fucks up? He learns. Now, as this goes along, you see him changing. He gets friends soon enough, starts having them, fucks up though. Turns away guys. He sees guys, cool guys who are good with game, tries to befriend them, but his neediness and desperation just turn those guys away. I mean he could open well, but sustaining a conversation for a long period of time was just out of his reach. But he pushes at it. We see him get a girl naked and he fails to fuck her. We see him getting slapped by girls and like being turned down again and again, being laughed at. We see him have anxiety attacks in front of people. We see him being the shit, the life of the party, and we connect with him, we root for him. But then we see him lose state, fall out of grace, and land on his face. He hits this point, and then falls back, regresses. This inconsistency with himself, his personality and shit, his confidence, fucks with him. His issues become crazy, uncontrollable, but he fights it. Later on, we see him winning more, becoming a bigger pimp, closing, getting girls. Later at the end of the story, he’s just a straight pimp. And you feel for this guy. The entire movie – yeah it’s a movie idea – is just him, being badass. More importantly it’s the movie of a man, the absolute perfect example of a failed “man” who rises to greatness, who achieves his goals. He is able to communicate effectively and become a badass guy through many trials and obstacles. I want the audience to feel this guy, his pain, his loneliness, his despair, and his excitement at his progress, his life lessons, his everything. I want the cinematography to utilize many social ideas, many have a lot of emotional shots, I want the audience to feel him completely, understand his thoughts. I want us to be right there with him. I want it to teach – the movie I mean. I want this film to be able to teach a social lesson, as well as to have as a reference to one’s own journey to enlightenment and finding peace within oneself.

You're beautiful

just the way you are.
I wouldn't change a single thing, not a string of hair, not a tiny scar.
you're beautiful, so why should I?
my love for you has its own eyes,
it sees within you everything that it could ever ask for
so why ask for more?
you're beautiful, even when I don't say it,
and no this is not just an excuse to explain why I don't
but more as a means to explain why I can't.
You're just too beautiful for me to put into words, the word beautiful itself has lost its own touch.
It's meaning, meaningless; its flavor, too much seasoning.
I'm dreaming, sleepless, thinking of you, I need reasoning.
I need to understand your beautiful-ality, haha, cause how am I supposed to understand or comprehend you in words?
I'd rather just do a verb, and show you.
<3

Let me explain something extremely funny:

I am willing to forgo my stupidily tired body and upload a bloody 200 photos (I had to do it in 3 seperate intervals that took abou 20 minutes each..) just so you could see them. Because I said I would try my best to by the end of yesterday. My cousins and sister and brother began True Grit withtout me and I was willing to stay onto the computer, miss the beginning, just to get them up. I ask for two posts. Because uhm, thats something you promised wasn't it, to keep me updated everyday, but you cant even keep up with the promise because you got pissed at me the other day, but I understood because of a misunderstanding. Your attempt at posting two new posts was horrific to say the least. If you are making up for a post from the previous day, would I not be expecting two seperate entities? Two legit posts? Sure, it should be expected, and I didnt wanna be a jackass for trying to explain what that meant, I hinted at it, wrote it in that message on facebook, reminded you when we webcammed, and yet you can't do something as simple as leave me two quality posts....


Hold up, I'm not finished. Did I mention that I was typing those facebook messages while my cousins were around me? That I should've been hanging out with them instead? What is your excuse? 2 am, you're gonna go to sleep? dude, if it was 2 am and I was tired as fuck I would still make you two bombass posts and you know it. You know I would. It's like, you can't write longer than 10 minutes or something. Not even for me, and it fucking annoys the fuck outta me. Fuck, whats your excuse for cutting off early? what's your excuse for not writing 20 -30 minutes of something for me? Bloody hell. Fuck it.



YOURE STUPID DUY..

i stay up late just to get these pictures up,
of me and my cousins in England, we went to London today
it was cool, but the heat was a bugger, hot as can be
i want you to see these pictures of me
so I stay up late, just to get them up
cause I love you so much, i can't see any other way to make up
I love you =]

Du yT u

Yo, I think I've gotten better,
but this sickness' not a bacteeria
its inside my interior, fixated on exteriors, for fear of a perfect world.
See, I see myself inferior and so I must deprive superiors from having the upper zone.
I must confess that my illness is one of fiction, my mind's own creation
I've been brainwashed to dwell on certain things and get over them in slow motion.
I don't know who I am, and what I plan on doing
I don't know what to do, and who I plan to do it with
Life's a mystery constantly for me, my future wife's gonna see me as a lost, sad little boy.
Man do I enjoy, the feeling of listening to myself type away these words.
Every word releasing its own soul out into the world
Cause life takes a toll on everyone, Life makes a bore of everything

Stupid Shit I Say

I remember the last time I saw you, your sweater was short, now you have a short shirt. Funny how that works out. But this isn't even about you.

Stupid shit I say.


Listen, you (and you know who you are) are the most important thing in my life. I try to see past you, but I cant. I cant see anything besides you. You're blocking the sunlight so nothing ever does shine on me but you. It's as if you're the fastest thing in the whole universe, and all my ambitions, dreams, goals, desires, wants, and feelings can never get past you. Because girl, you are my ambition. You're the girl I dream about every night, the goal I reach for every day. I desire you more than anything. I want you more than what is necessary (there's never enough of you to go around). My feelings can't get past you because, my feelings reside in you. I love you.

But girl, I don't think your feelings for me are the same. It's depleting I'm sure.
This "thing" whatever you want to call it. Your love and interest in me. It's draining out, its going bad and acidic like an old battery. The love potion's wearing off. It's not your fault, trust me. I know. It's me, I'm pushing you away. You might not understand why, but it's just me. I'm not there yet, I don't know enough, I can't let go of petty things even though they are petty. I know they're trivial but my mind makes it so that they are not. I dwell on them until I feel faint and drop. I hate dwelling on things -the past, the present, the future - everything too morbid and obese to be contained. I hate the thoughts and feelings I have. But they're what I have. I'm working on them, but I'm not improving. I still get pissed over little things. And this honestly frightens the living hell out of me.

Video games

Honestly, to be truthful,
we should've just played my nes. Honestly.
it was sitting at rest, with no one around
I thought xbox best, but this one wins the round.
It was stupid of me to think only of negativity
To think you horrible for forgetting controllers
so we could play some call of duty and left 4 dead?
shit, you shoulda just left ME for dead.
The nintendo was right there!
and in my anger and lust for microsoft
My intent was lost, it seemed like that was all I cared
for, some modern warfare
I'm sorry

Days go by and still I think of you

I remember when a video or photograph of your face was enough to blow my load all over the place.

Deep

Deep is me. I am deep.
I go deep. My name is deep.
when I wake up in the morning, I'm lost in my own pit of myself
my own pitiful self,
lying there, so deep.
God I'm deep.
And I don't even wanna go spiritual, but if I did, it'd be a maddening visual
of something like hell
because hey, hell's pretty fucking deep.
and remember? I'm deep.
So deep your fries into me, I got enough volume for all the condiments in the world and then some.
I'm so deep that they call tempura Duy-fried vegetables
hahaha, I'm so stupid
but hey, I'm deep.
deeper than the ocean yo, deeper than your momma's vagina yo,
dude I got a lab exam in an hour, whaaaa, peace!

i stay up late, past 5 in the morning.
I guess it's not late anymore but my roommate's snoring
is still provocative in its own ways.
soothing, reminding me of something I should be doing
sleeping,
but I'm wide-awake.
why is it that I'm willing to wander the nights aimlessly missing you, to call out your name silently to myself, to clamp my heart and lean against the paper towel dispenser of my bathroom thinking of you and feeling the rush of excitement and desire run through my veins. I tremble.
But when I have you on webcam, the telephone, when you're in my very arms, when we're side by side or by and by I never say hi and ask you why or the time and if I may recline and talk to you for once. why is it that i wait til you're gone to express my feelings to you. I am a forgotten story. I am the lost soldier, the MIA, the person who never came back. the lone wolf. I AWOL everytime. whywhywhywhwywhy.

Am I that avoidant? do I hate confrontations that much? am i that afraid to show value or to give value to a girl. I'm not happy when you're here, yet I'm sad when you're gone. I act sincere and interested but I'm really distant and indifferent. I love you a lot and I think I'm alone.

It's as if I wait until the rejection, the possible shut downs, and fear of socializing and offering value reside that I am able to miss her and want to talk to her. Why can't I want to talk to her when I am talking to her.

I'm sorry I'm so fucked up and i hope you don't see this. i love you so much that i can't really see through this.

silent stories

my love for you is uncalibrated.
it changes with the seasons and changes with
no reason.
it needs none.
it changes for what it sees is fit.
it changes for what it doesn't fit into.
my love for you is uncalibrated.
it changes depending on the day and the
night.
sometimes it feels alright.
sometimes it feel like i love you and could hold you forever, us rolled up together in the bedsheets,
tight.
my love for you is uncalibrated.
it changes with the wind and the snow
never here to stay and give a show
its always on a one way bus
to nowhere and definitely not to "us"
it lies and cheats and steals and beats your heartbeats and skips your heartskips. the beat lost.
its selfish and destroys an entire universe
at no cost,
just to have one verse.

my love for you is uncalibrated.
but i'm trying to control it, im trying to maintain it.
but it wont be controlled, and it wont be maintained.
its reach is a millimeter longer than my own,
its shield stronger than my own.
this is a war I can't find on my own.
and i'm afraid to say, I already lost.

I love you, but love doesn't. I'm sorry.

I think about her so often it's sometimes hard to not think about her at all.

Is there a deeper meaning to everything?

Why is it that - after a long day - I still sit here at my computer at 5:44 in the morning. What is my motivation? My drive? Why can't I slumber peacefully and allow my mind to rest, my body to rebuild? The latest book I'm reading would tell me that I'm procrastinating - I have some deep hesitation or resistance with sleeping or going to sleep. I think its my mind's solution to hiding my fears or accomplishing things, so I choose to stay awake. It's kinda interesting actually, but very detrimental. I want to sleep and I should, but my wandering eyes and constant need for intellectual stimulation drag me to the computer screen. Here I sit and pound away at the keys (actually it's not even like that, I just click from tab to tab from my mouse). It's pretty repetitive. I suggest you go out there and live a life. As for now, I'm going to try to knock out. Good night ya'll