My NHS Essay

While searching through the entangled remnants of my Windows XP files - I recently had my computer reformatted and reinstalled with Windows 7 - I rediscovered a word document from my past. It was titled "NHS Essay" and so I assumed it was my application essay for the National Honors Society, which I am currently a member of, and opened it up. It went a little something like this:


When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. That’s what my father told me out of nowhere one day as I was making sushi in the backyard. “But dad, I don’t like lemonade,” I replied. He smiled and told me to go chop wood. Being the gentleman that I was, I amused him by scratching his back instead. The sunlight of the moon created shadows in the shadow-less darkness. As time grew into trees and the water grew silent like apricots on a Saturday morning, I picked flowers in the dentist office. The phone rang, and I danced along to it. I karate chopped the phone and it blew into a billion pieces. Out of the ruins of the karate chopped phone appeared a leprechaun the size of a penny. I had to squint carefully to reassure myself that I was not dreaming. The leprechaun winked at me as it scurried across the floor and into the tool cabinet of the dentist. I quickly grabbed my umbrella and blew up a car door out of steel, sourdough bread, and a monkey’s guitar. This in turn, made the leprechaun screech like a coyote and roll out from under the cabinet and into a shoebox. The shoebox turned out to be a life-sized cardboard cut out of Zac Efron, which came to life, and ate the leprechaun like a bag of chips. CRUNCH. MUNCH. “Yummm! Lucky charms!” shouted the Zac Efron. He was a massive beast, weighing in at 180 pounds and towering a good 6”2’, he was a formidable opponent. He licked his fingers off in a seductive way and shot his devilish, yet sexy, eyes at me. “Get your head in my PUSSY!” He demanded. I was shocked frozen like a pack of wolves on New Year’s Eve. “What the fuck? Are you asking me to have sexual relations with a piece of cardboard?” I exclaimed in absolute discontent and confusion…and disgust. He let out a huge “ROARRR!” and demanded he be treated like a real woman. “Why don’t you just go and make love to a stack of papers!” I retorted. The angry Zac Efron settled his toes into the sand and ate a block of chewing gum. He chewed on that piece of gum until it was nice and fine like taffy and he used it to stick me to the wall. I



Realizing quickly that this unfinished, ridiculous and completely random piece of work wasn't my NHS essay, I laughed and remembered. When I was first attempting to write my essay, I was not in the thinking nor writing mood, and so I just went off on a tangent and typed away without thinking. Thus, the beginning, and sudden end, to a strange and sexually repulsive story was created.