i stay up late, past 5 in the morning.
I guess it's not late anymore but my roommate's snoring
is still provocative in its own ways.
soothing, reminding me of something I should be doing
sleeping,
but I'm wide-awake.
why is it that I'm willing to wander the nights aimlessly missing you, to call out your name silently to myself, to clamp my heart and lean against the paper towel dispenser of my bathroom thinking of you and feeling the rush of excitement and desire run through my veins. I tremble.
But when I have you on webcam, the telephone, when you're in my very arms, when we're side by side or by and by I never say hi and ask you why or the time and if I may recline and talk to you for once. why is it that i wait til you're gone to express my feelings to you. I am a forgotten story. I am the lost soldier, the MIA, the person who never came back. the lone wolf. I AWOL everytime. whywhywhywhwywhy.

Am I that avoidant? do I hate confrontations that much? am i that afraid to show value or to give value to a girl. I'm not happy when you're here, yet I'm sad when you're gone. I act sincere and interested but I'm really distant and indifferent. I love you a lot and I think I'm alone.

It's as if I wait until the rejection, the possible shut downs, and fear of socializing and offering value reside that I am able to miss her and want to talk to her. Why can't I want to talk to her when I am talking to her.

I'm sorry I'm so fucked up and i hope you don't see this. i love you so much that i can't really see through this.

silent stories

my love for you is uncalibrated.
it changes with the seasons and changes with
no reason.
it needs none.
it changes for what it sees is fit.
it changes for what it doesn't fit into.
my love for you is uncalibrated.
it changes depending on the day and the
night.
sometimes it feels alright.
sometimes it feel like i love you and could hold you forever, us rolled up together in the bedsheets,
tight.
my love for you is uncalibrated.
it changes with the wind and the snow
never here to stay and give a show
its always on a one way bus
to nowhere and definitely not to "us"
it lies and cheats and steals and beats your heartbeats and skips your heartskips. the beat lost.
its selfish and destroys an entire universe
at no cost,
just to have one verse.

my love for you is uncalibrated.
but i'm trying to control it, im trying to maintain it.
but it wont be controlled, and it wont be maintained.
its reach is a millimeter longer than my own,
its shield stronger than my own.
this is a war I can't find on my own.
and i'm afraid to say, I already lost.

I love you, but love doesn't. I'm sorry.

I think about her so often it's sometimes hard to not think about her at all.

Is there a deeper meaning to everything?

Why is it that - after a long day - I still sit here at my computer at 5:44 in the morning. What is my motivation? My drive? Why can't I slumber peacefully and allow my mind to rest, my body to rebuild? The latest book I'm reading would tell me that I'm procrastinating - I have some deep hesitation or resistance with sleeping or going to sleep. I think its my mind's solution to hiding my fears or accomplishing things, so I choose to stay awake. It's kinda interesting actually, but very detrimental. I want to sleep and I should, but my wandering eyes and constant need for intellectual stimulation drag me to the computer screen. Here I sit and pound away at the keys (actually it's not even like that, I just click from tab to tab from my mouse). It's pretty repetitive. I suggest you go out there and live a life. As for now, I'm going to try to knock out. Good night ya'll

I should've Made Lemonade

They say that when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. I should've made lemonade.

________, it's been two years and if I've learned anything in those two years, besides learning how to differentiate and where the Gulf of Tonkin is located, I've learned that life doesn't hand out a second batch of lemons. ______, I know that what I've done to you is irreparable and possibly even unforgettable, but I want to make it up to you. Back then I was naive and blinded by ignorance. I was incapable of realizing how good of a thing we had. I was so stupid. Nights spent beating myself over the head, the constant lingering thoughts of craziness, of random words and phrases and explicit questions and demands and dreams and hopes. Everything. I've sat thinking for countless hours, mesmerized, dazed, of how something so sweet, something so pure, can turn rotten and cold in a swift pull of a switch. I've thought crazy thoughts ________. Dreamed crazy dreams. Nightmare'd crazy nightmares. To come to nothing but the same conclusion: I want you and only you. If you give me a chance, I want to talk to you, in person, about everything. I want to take responsibility for my actions and prove to you that, that’s not who I really am. I know that I'm better than the person I was once before. Please, give me a chance to just talk to you, _____. Please.
Parting is such sweet sorrow, yet we parted in such a sour way that I can not bear this sour sorrow any longer. You were the sweetest lemon of all the lemons ever given to one man in his lifetime. Life hands you lemons, and you make lemonade. You would've been the tastiest lemonade ever.

I. Love. lemons.