i stay up late, past 5 in the morning.
I guess it's not late anymore but my roommate's snoring
is still provocative in its own ways.
soothing, reminding me of something I should be doing
sleeping,
but I'm wide-awake.
why is it that I'm willing to wander the nights aimlessly missing you, to call out your name silently to myself, to clamp my heart and lean against the paper towel dispenser of my bathroom thinking of you and feeling the rush of excitement and desire run through my veins. I tremble.
But when I have you on webcam, the telephone, when you're in my very arms, when we're side by side or by and by I never say hi and ask you why or the time and if I may recline and talk to you for once. why is it that i wait til you're gone to express my feelings to you. I am a forgotten story. I am the lost soldier, the MIA, the person who never came back. the lone wolf. I AWOL everytime. whywhywhywhwywhy.

Am I that avoidant? do I hate confrontations that much? am i that afraid to show value or to give value to a girl. I'm not happy when you're here, yet I'm sad when you're gone. I act sincere and interested but I'm really distant and indifferent. I love you a lot and I think I'm alone.

It's as if I wait until the rejection, the possible shut downs, and fear of socializing and offering value reside that I am able to miss her and want to talk to her. Why can't I want to talk to her when I am talking to her.

I'm sorry I'm so fucked up and i hope you don't see this. i love you so much that i can't really see through this.